So as I mentioned in my previous blog I will be going over some of the things that happened to me the past couple weeks that I only have recently discovered are definitely related to adderall withdrawal.
I did not do any previous research really about how serious it is to quit your perscription. Especially, nothing about the seriousness of quiting a perscription drug that my body was ingesting every day for almost five years.
So, when I started I was completely motivated. I some times take my adderall at irregular times of the day (depending on my work, and school schedules) but not in an abusive way. Not always at least. Finishing summer school July 2nd, I was even more so motivated to start the tapering, and withdrawal process before returing to school in fall.
**Yes, I am quitting my perscription with a year left of schooling until I get my bachelors degree, which is another issue that I am worried about because I have no idea how I am going to get through college without it.**
So, I decided to just take one half of my XR on Day 1. Too be honest, I felt fine… At first. I did have one night, in one of the first four nights, that after work my coworkers and I decided to have an after work drink. Too be honest, I usually can drink a lot of alcohol when I do decide to go out, but lately I haven’t been going out anymore and I have not been hitting the bars anywhere near as much as I used to.
I can’t handle as much hard alcohol as I used to, and I had not drank hard alcohol since before May really. It was definitely a very bad idea, and my first withdrawal symptoms started showing.
I ended up having an almost bipolar type of episode. I yelled at my boss, and my co workers, and my poor boyfriend, for no reason whatsoever.
I caused a scene on his street, and ended up at my friends house a good couple blocks (maybe a mile or two), away from my boyfriend house. I pretty much just got out of the car then just started walking towards his house (where my coworkers and everyone were now located at). Apparently my walk took over an hour… And this was at almost 3am. Bad idea.
When I got back to my boyfriend and coworkers, they were obviously not very happy to see me. I was on the street fighting with my boyfriend and he even looked at me and told he me was scared of me. He said something was wrong with me. He said there was just something in my eyes that was scary, and abnormal about me, and he was terrified. It was like I was a completely different person.
Most of you are most likely readying this thinking, “This girl was just a drunk b!T#h!,” but I don’t have a drinking problem, just occasionally will have some drinks when we are having fun with friends, or pauhana beverages with our coworkers. Well, yes I was a little intoxicated, but my boyfriend and my friends and coworkers know me. That was very irregular behavior for me to be behaving, and I woke up the next morning and had a full blown panic attack instantly.
So, Moving on:
The entire next day, was the first day I felt completely off. I was not even hungover, just so confused, and honestly a little scared of myself. Something was feeling off with me, and I was having constant paranoid thoughts, and giving myself anxiety (so I had thought).
Days 1-4, I was running out of my perscription already. Of course my insurance date to refill was also exactly July 4th, when my pharmacy would be closed. 15-22mg is a little more than half of my 45mg daily dose I was taking for 5 years.
I had finals, and enough adderall (so I had thought) to get by until my script would be refilled. I wasn’t worried about it, since I knew I was trying to cut back anyways, so I took a little more for schoolwork related purposes, and I was planning on just trying to get my script refilled July 3rd, or just waiting til the 5th thinking it wouldn’t be a problem in any way.
I was starting to feel exhausted…
Constantly drinking energy drinks because I felt so lethargic and I had so much to do.
Then I called my doctors office and they had it ready to be picked up the evening July 2nd when I got a missed call when I was already working. Thinking this was no biggie, I tried to call them the next day as I had originally planned. ANSWERING MACHINE! Closed til Monday July 6th!
Not going to lie, I initially freaked out. That meant I would have no adderall for THREE WHOLE DAYS, AT ALL, and my first response was calling my doctors and leaving a very annoyed, kind of druggie almost sounding type voicemail demanding why they didn’t tell me earlier they would be closing Friday to kick off Fourth of July weekend.
Basically the next three days were a complete blur. I had so many plans, but no motivation to do any of them. I didn’t even do anything for Fourth of July… We started the morning with so many people calling us, and plans trying to come our way. I was not feeling it that day, and I was already feeling extremely lazy, lethargic, and irritated for no particular reason. Before working Sunday, July 5th I had not started to conclude any of my behavior was related to adderall withdrawal.
On July 5th I had work at 4:30. I work at a restaurant in the town we live in, and I make good money their because we are constantly busy. I was just relaxing at home with my boyfriend, (no energy, or drive at all, just feeling an intense need for sleep), and we ate lunch and then ended up taking a nap at about 1:30-2pm.
I have no idea what the hell happened, but all I know is I pretty much woke myself up from a blackout in the shower and I was yelling “fu%* you” at my boyfriend. I was pissed, and confused. Blackouts do not ever happen to me. The only time I significantly remember blacking out and waking up from it was when I was in my junior year of high school, and I woke up from a black out puking over my friends toilet and I had no idea how I had gotten there to his house in the first place, and I was terrified. That was similar to what I experienced in the shower.
My boyfriend is an extremely mellow guy. He doesn’t have any hard drug or alcohol related addictions, or an addictive personality and he has always looked at my adderall use as something not healthy for me, and that I shouldn’t be taking.
Apparently, he told me he woke me up at 4 to tell me I needed to be at work in thirty minutes and I had overslept. I don’t remember any of this. He told me I started swearing, and saying I don’t work until 5:30. I haven’t worked a job starting at 5:30 in… Years so I knew I must have been sleep talking. He then said I just wigged out and started swearing at him, and in a craze. At this point I was hysteric, because I didn’t even know why we were fighting and I had to get to work in thirty minutes.
This was the second thing I linked to a potential adderall withdrawal symptom. I had to drink 5 hour energy to even get myself to work, and it did not even do anything to me. I was becoming a mess.
Monday when I picked up my adderall, my best friend was with me that is also my roommate. I made her wait with me for 45 minutes to get my script and she was pissed. She was mad I was making us wait when I could just go back and get it later in the day, or at night. SHE DOESNT UNDERSTAND!
But really, it was truly terrible. 3 days of no adderall cold turkey, and I was a complete mess.
I will now be continuing my process of quitting by tapering. I think the withdrawls could be tolerable for people that haven’t been on it for very long. In my case I have been for almost five years, and I started at 25…
If anyone that reads this blog has any words of wisdom for me please don’t hesitate to share 🙂
– Your Friendly Anonymous Adderall Abuser ❤️