Day 70… Blue blue blue & blueย 

  
Do you ever feel like the weight of the world is riding on your shoulders?

Or fear everything is going to drastically change at the drop of the hat because of something that is going to be happening in the near future?  

I sure do.  I feel everything. Feelings, feelings, and more feelings.  I currently HATE feelings.

I already get weird during the holiday season and the past couple of days have just made everything worse.  My boss made me feel a little better at work tonight about the hitting a dog situation..

He screamed:

“SOMETIMES SHIT HAPPENS!!!”

Really loud while we still had customers in the restaurant and for some reason I found it extremely funny and made me think a little on the bright side…. (A very little). 

Shit does happen.

That is the way I should think about the present and be thinking about my future.  There is no point in wasting time overthinking the “what if”s, and thinking the worst is always going to happen.

This is something I’ll have to work on my myself, and something I have always struggled with.

I hate constantly being afraid of my life and what lies ahead. ๐Ÿ˜ž

Sadly once again there’s nothing I can do accept hope for the best.

-Your Friendly Anonymous Adderall Abuser ๐Ÿ’‹

  

Day 69… And I accidentally just ran over someone’s dog

  
Hey everyone, 

So sadly the heading is true.  I got cut early from work and was driving in the back roads (sober mind you) and it was super dark and I ran over someones dog. 

Another car behind me ran over it after me, and I alone turned around and went back to help.  It was just in the middle of the street twitching in a pool of blood, and I had my window down screaming out “Is this anyone’s dog?!” On the street. 

Some neighbors came home and at first freaked out thinking it was their dog I had run over.  After realizing it was not, they kindly told me it was okay.  That isn’t wasn’t my fault and to just leave.  They would take care of it, and call the humane society for me.

They said it was the neighbors fault for letting their dog run around in the damn street but obviously I still feel like complete shit and horrible.

After everything going on lately, I can’t believe this just happened to me.  I love dogs.  The fact I just murdered one on complete accident just kills me inside.  The second car didn’t stop and turn around only I did.  All I can see is the poor dog twitching in a pool of its own blood. 

I feel like complete SHIT.

This was the worst thing that could possibly happen given my current emotional and mental state.

I hate my life.

-Your Friendly Anonymous Adderall Abuser ๐Ÿ’‹

  

Day 68 & Happy (not so happy) Thanksgiving to everyone โค๏ธ

  
Hey guys,

Happy thanksgiving!  The day to be thankful, and grateful for all the beautiful things we have in life.  Today, the only thing I can say I am thankful for is being off my adderall perscription, and making it this far.

Besides that,

Today my emotional state has been about the same.  No changes; still depressive.  I feel like a bipolar person without the intense up and downs.  When I am happy, it still feels staged.  When I am sad it feels real.  I wish I could say there must be some other cause but I don’t think that’s the case. 

I have a great life, and am surrounded by amazing people that truly support me.  I have a slightly overwhelming workload, but it wouldn’t be the cause of all of these emotions I’ve been feeling as of late.  I really want to see my doctor just to make sure I’m on a good page… But still no health insurance, and I don’t want in any way shape or form to be pointed in the direction of antidepressants.

School wise, I’m very happy the semester is coming to an end.  I just ordered my free fourteen day trial of optimind, a pretty popular nootropic drug on the market right now and I spoke to someone on the phone about the product before I ordered it.  They say it’s good to help brain memory in the long run, and lately I’ve been feeling like my biggest struggle is memory, and motivation (besides the depression).  

Well I wish everyone a happy thanksgiving and hope that yours goes much better than mine ๐Ÿ˜‰

– Your Friendly Anonymous Adderall Abuser ๐Ÿ’‹

  

Day 65…. No progressย 

  
Hey guys,

So it’s day 65 today off adderall.  I’m not going to lie these past couple days I’ve just been feeling super down, and depressed.  Nothing in my life has changed, nor anything with my vitamins, and supplements.  I don’t know what the problem is but I am really hoping this isn’t from adderall withdrawl.  How long is this really going to be?  

It scares me.

I don’t want to feel this way forever… And I definitely don’t want to get put on antidepressants. I guess it is too soon to say anything since I haven’t even made it to 90 days yet.  

I just really hope I start feeling better.

– Your Friendly Anonymous Adderall Abuser ๐Ÿ’‹

Day 59 adderall free ๐Ÿ˜„

  
Okay guys,

So I’m not going to lie it’s time to face the facts.  I’m a fat bitch now!  I’ve gained 14 pounds since I got off my perscription in 59 days ๐Ÿ˜ญ 

From a logical standpoint… I usually am a very healthy eater.  The first month and a half off I started eating twix bars and snickers bars off the wide.  Candy corn, and tons of rice. Pizza… Basically anything because I felt like a starving child.

So now I’m seriously doing some damage control and I put myself on a diet.  I mean these are typical withdrawl symptoms so I can’t say I didn’t see it coming but as each day passes by I slowly (very slowly) am feeling more stable.  Aka less like a starving child. 

I’m not going to lie either but this really sucks.  I ran out of my In Joy and barely made it out of bed for work.  I’m really realizing how long it’s going to take for me to get better.  Now when I look at each day it depresses me instead of making me feel better.

I have no motivation.  The one day I didn’t take my caffeine supplement in the morning I ended up passing out from 10:30-3pm on my couch when I was supposed to be doing my homework.  It’s hard to get me to have any energy or motivation to do anything without my “total control” supplement, or my Addrena.

This process is nowhere near over and it’s beyond depressing.  I also messed up my days on my chart so I was even less far along then I thought ๐Ÿค•

Each day is a struggle.

  
– Your Friendly Anonymous Adderall Abuser ๐Ÿ’‹

Day 50 off adderall ๐Ÿ˜„

  
Herro, 

So I feel like I should be fist pumping and doing handstands and jumping jacks because of the fact I made it to day 50.  Sadly I feel off. 

I read this girls webpage about quitting adderall after being perscribed it for 7 years which is longer than I was.  She said it has been a year and she still feels like every day feels like your birthday and your funeral.

That’s so true!

I’m currently in the car writing this blog as my boyfriend is literally telling me the longest most hyperactive speech on why or why not people should be legally allowed to have guns and I am just sitting here blogging instead.  I wish I had an audio recording of this.  It’s not his fault I’m having a “funeral” type moment but this is kind of hilarious.  And sad at the same time.  I’m such a bitch.  I just feel so emotionless at times… Its like I am either super happy, nothing, or super depressed.  It’s not like a bipolar person feeling at all it’s just… You feel everything and nothing at the same time.

Well, CHEERS to Day 50!

Sorry about this totally pointless blog posts. 

  
– Your Friendly Anonymous Adderall Abuser ๐Ÿ’‹

Day 47 โœŒ๐Ÿป๏ธthe beginning of the workout obsession

  
Hi,

So today (day 47) I realized I wanted to see how long I’ve even been working out for again since I have cut out my adderall.

Also, I don’t remember if I mentioned that I did finally get on the scale and realized I gained 10 lbs in just one month off the drug… But once the acute, and post acute withdrawl symptoms started to fade, I slowly started regaining energy to do more then sluggishly make it through my day.
I’ve been working out again for about 20 days so almost three weeks.  I’ve tried to do something physically active for almost half of those days which is pretty awesome to me.  I feel like working out is helping me detox, and sweat out everything built up inside.

On the down side, I am really starting to realize the seriousness of being ever perscribed a schedule II drug in the first place, and how long my recovery really may take.  I unfortunately still don’t have my health insurance card yet, so I can’t even go to the doctors and get some actual advice, or a check up on more things I can do to speed up my recovery and get myself back to normal.  

Being perscribed something as serious as adderall, and taking it daily for six years, and a high dose can do some serious damage to your brain, and it can take months, to years to finally rebalance out.  There may even be some damage done that can’t be fixed… The worst part is not knowing, and that I will just have to wait it out. 

Like I keep telling myself every day… 

“One day at a time!”

– Your Friendly Anonymous Adderall Abuser ๐Ÿ’‹